5 reasons I fake orgasm

milkchocolate2579
Sep 29, 2021
5 min read

CW: mention of traumas & triggers

Disclaimer

These are not based on research or studies, I am writing this from my personal experience.

Stop focus on having an orgasm during sex, instead, enjoy the sensuality, intimacy, animalistic raw sexual experiences.

Bestie, we should all stop faking orgasm. Orgasm is not the destination of sex, we should just enjoy the experience.

Do I fake orgasm?

During sex with partners Yes, a lot in fact. Sometimes I don't even know if I am just faking it or it is a real orgasm.

During solo sex/masturbation Not when I am enjoying it for myself. However, I did fake it when I was performing solo sex for partners to see either in person or online.

To help you visualize it

It just became very performative. I moan a little harder, squeeze my vagina, shake my legs, roll my eyes, try closing my tights together, saying things I don't genuinely mean like "I'm coming, I'm near, wait, it's too much" you get the idea.

I become good at pretending to enjoy the things I dislike. It is extremely unhealthy to my own mental, physical, sexual health and the relationship with sexual partners.

To my ex sexual partners,

Please know it does not necessary means I don't enjoy the time we spent together. It can be I was unexpectedly triggered and I hadn't learned to identify my triggers to speak up about it so it could have been avoided.

To everyone,

No one is a mind reader. If you wish your partner to avoid something, do something that will feel good to you, tell them. If you are struggling with traumas, identify your triggers, tell your partners in advance so they can avoid them. It takes practice, I am still struggling with it too but we can change, at our own pace.

Partners, please be sensitive. If you notice your partner are struggling and things don't feel right, stop everything you are doing, check in with them, only continue if they are 100% ok. Ask them caringly, without judgement, let them feel comfortable to share it with you. If they are not ready to share, DO NOT PRESSURE THEM, give them time. Have an open conversation about the sex and relationship. Let them know they are safe and you are there to support them.

5 Reasons I fake orgasm

1. I just know I'm not going to orgasm

Seeing my ex-partners beating themselves up, hurting their own ego for not being able to make me come despite countless reassurance, pressured me. I want them to stop feeling bad for not making me orgasm.

Bestie, you should not beat yourself up for not orgasm / not making your partners orgasm. Just have fun, enjoy each other's company.

I tried explaining and reassuring them over and over again in the most gentle way possible, but there is only this much a person can try.

I remember there is once, a partner tells me he didn't come. When I respond in my habitual manner, he ask me what am I doing, which made me think. That is the point of my life when I realise that is how a healthy relationship should feel like, there is no pressure on getting an orgasm or to make other's orgasm.

2. I am not in the mood anymore

It can be because it is getting boring, I am tired, I feel unsafe, I am getting uncomfortable, I just don't feel like it anymore.

Bestie, you can take back your consent anytime, anywhere. You can stop mid-sex. If the partners do not respect you "no" please walk away, they do not deserve you.

You don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

3. I am pressured by the question "Did you cum yet?"

Constantly asking this over and over again is not going to make me orgasm and I wanted you to stop asking so I fake one can you can get over with it.

Next time instead of asking your partner if they come, ask them how they feel, ask them what they want you to do to them, try dirty talk with you partner and see how it goes.

Enjoy the experience and stop focusing on getting an orgasm or not.

4. I am unexpectedly triggered

Trauma is defined as a deeply disturbing and terrifying event.

Triggered is when something makes you re-experience the traumatic event.

I was unexpectedly triggered and I hadn't learned to identify my triggers to speak up so it could have been avoided.

Faking an orgasm become my fuck up response because this is the one way I know that I can get out of the situation safely. I just want the sex to stop ASAP without needing to explain until the partner understands and I don't have to be victim blame again. I don't need the sympathy and for them to cry for me, the judgmental facial expressions that people accidentally show isn't helping either.

Please do the opposite of what I did, talk to your partner and be safe. Bestie, you can take back your consent anytime.

If you are reading this, please please know you can stop the sex, take back your consent anytime, no matter if you are naked, making out, mid-sex. If you are struggling with traumas, identify your triggers, tell your partners in advance so they can avoid it.

Partners please be sensitive, if they froze up, something just doesn't feel right, stop everything you are doing, check in with them, only continue if they are 100% okay.

5. I don't want the sex to begin with.

Faking an orgasm feeds their ego so I can get out of the situation sooner. "but I'm horny, don't leave me hanging, you started it, but you love me, but we had sex before, but you are on birth control, but you promise to have, sex but ... " these are not consent. They are sexual coercion, this are manipulations. Saying "ok" due to sexual coercion is not consent.

Your boundaries and consent deserve to be respected.

To you, please stop saying fine/ok/maybe to the sex your want to say no to. You are the owner of your body. You deserve to feel safe when you are having sex with a partner or simply be around your partners. Saying no is extremely hard after your "no" being violated over and over again. Setting boundaries/consent are extremely hard after traumas but it's possible. Start small and practice. Have the courage to walk away from the relationship that is hurting you. Stop any sexual relationship until you are ready and able to set boundaries again. I myself am also taking a very very long break from sex with any partners and possibly I will never engage in sex with partners anymore but that's ok, we will heal on our own pace.

Listen to your guts and I am saying this from the bottom of my heart, leave, walk away when you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, people pushing your boundaries, when they don't respect you. Listen to your gut, your gut is trying to protect you. If I can go back in time, I would hug myself so tight and tell myself to listen to my guts and believe my guts. Priorities being safe over being nice.

Sending love your way <3